Voldemort Rocks!
by Inky Pirate
Summary: Voldemort was smart and decided to put his horcruxes into some....less noticeable items. And it would do that meddlesome Harry Potter good if he left them alone and let Voldy have his fun.


**A/N: This story suddenly came upon me and my sisters one night as we discussed the features of Deathly Hallows. I had to hurry up and write it down so you could share in the madness too! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But you can still have my autograph if you like!**

**Voldemort Rocks!!**

Let's pretend for a sec that Voldemort was perhaps as smart and clever as he always said he was. We'll have to rewind a bit, back to the time when he was a blooming young wizard, ripping his soul left and right and deciding on what to put the pieces in.

"Hmmmm," clever Voldemort said one morning, "Shall I put my seven bits of soul into seven extremely significant and powerful objects that might somehow trace back to me and lead to my downfall, or…" he picked up a bucket,"…..these seven rocks I found in my driveway?"

Just on a whim, Voldemort went with the rocks. He dumped a whole bunch of other similar looking rocks into the bucket of Horcruxes, shook it up real well, and then commenced on a trip around the world in a sailing ship, occasionally sprinkling a few of the rocks into the deep blue between margaritas and moonlit dips. He had a jolly old time indeed.

…………….fast forward many years later…………

Harry Potter was nearly 50 years old now and could be found in a ship of his own. He was on this ship because somehow, impossibly, he had figured out that Voldemort's horcruxes were rocks. Also, he was hiding from Voldemort himself, who had been standing in as Supreme Ruler of Everything for some time now.

Harry was alone. Hermione was dead after succumbing to some obscure but not-really-noteworthy muggle disease (if she weren't dead, she could remind him what it actually was), and Ron, who still lived with his parents, was too fat to get off the sofa let alone go sailing after a bunch of rocks. Ginny had been married to Harry for a couple years after school, but left him after becoming frustrated at his _obsession_.

"I can't stand you any longer!" she had shrieked. "You have to choose, between me, or those damn rocks!!"

Apparently she didn't like only son being named Boulder.

So yes, Harry was alone and depressed and balding and perhaps a little obsessed with any rock that came within eye contact.

0 down—7 still to go!

Sighing, he pulled on his scuba gear, grabbed the sword of Gryffindor, and began the long arduous process once again (which involved swimming to the bottom and stabbing any rock that came within reach). Naturally, half an hour later, arthritis aching, Harry hauled himself back aboard his boat, the _Sediment,_ empty handed and very frustrated.

This frustration (which had been endured for about 30 years), combined with the icy winds of Nuckitugetitlam Sound (where he was), made something snap in Harry's mind, and when your mind snaps, you tend to do silly things. In this case, the moment Harry squeezed the oxygen mask off his face, he started screaming. The noise was so loud, it carried far far away and made the Eskimos wonder. He screamed and screamed for a good long time, smashing and breaking everything in sight.

"Aghhhhh! I can't take it! This is impossible!! Whoever invented horcruxes…..you SUCK!!!"

And then he climbed to the highest point of his boat and brandished his wand in the air. "ACCIO ROCKS!!" he screeched crazily.

At first, nothing happened. But then there came a huge rumbling and the very ocean shook.

"Oh god….."

Within seconds, Harry was buried beneath a pile of rocks of all shapes and sizes. And the pile continued to grow. Every single rock on the entire planet was zooming toward Nuckitugetitlam and Harry Potter. In a matter of moments, the earth was folding in on itself, collapsing upon the boy who lived, as all the rocks clamored to the summoning charm.

Well he certainly wasn't alive now, and neither was anybody else.

Eventually, the Earth was torn to pieces and floated out of orbit to join a belt of asteroids,

Cackling, Voldemort flapped his arms and drifted away to explore outer space.

**THE END**


End file.
